When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
