When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
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Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.