When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
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A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
i just found this in my phone
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.