Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.

never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”

SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO

*ring bearer vomits*

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

ㅤ

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.