When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
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Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
#catsoftwitter
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
uh oh
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again