Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.