When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
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me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink