Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

[party]

GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?

Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.

10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.

well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*