When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix
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Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
By Kate Hatos
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Hmmmmmmm….
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”