When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix
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You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
58.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.