When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
You Might Also Like
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time