When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
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Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
can I use a minion as a tampon
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.