When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
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Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad