When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
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Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Yup….perfect score!
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Need this in my life lol
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.