Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

A leaf blower, but for people.

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

BABY WARDEN: ok lights out

BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark

[pitch black]

BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.