Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?

this was the best i’ve ever seen

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”

Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

Saw this yesterday lol

Customize Your Wedding.

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

need him

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.