When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
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Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I identify as an antique shop.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine