Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

#oldknees

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub