Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

Woke up against my better judgment again

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

you’re damn right i have

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!