Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

“Sheer Arrogance”

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

me: I miss handshakes

cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs