When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
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My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
new dr. seuss book dropping:
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.