When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
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Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Investing in beetcoin
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information