When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
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I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke