When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
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i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
lol
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”