Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone