When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
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If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Warm pools make me nervous.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I identify as an antique shop.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here