When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
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People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Doggies just call it style.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
reviewed some movies recently
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
*bites zombie*
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces