When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Lmao
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day