When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was
You Might Also Like
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.