When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
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Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
he’s doing your taxes
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
channeling her this year
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”