When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
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Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Said the murderer.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Dietest Coke
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention