When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
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I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Hot Hot Hot
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared