When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
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Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
excuse me
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
What number SPF blocks people?
Dumplings,
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I thought this was funny lol
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions