When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
happy mother’s day❤️
just arby’s bein’ a bro
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
