When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
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me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.