Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.

ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*

Me, studied abroad:

Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona

Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

Good morning

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

Real House Wines.