When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
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Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Me if I was a dog
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Real bees work best
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
