Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

Put the is in disheveled

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′

11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.