When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
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My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Meanwhile in Canada…
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.