When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
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“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS