When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
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OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.