When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
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The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there