Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

thank god