Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either