When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
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Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches