When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
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I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I hate my earbuds.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.