When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
You Might Also Like
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.