When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
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So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
ugh not again
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
The Assassin.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.