When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
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went fishing caught a bass
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I’m already scared
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones