When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
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How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Oh deer
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️