When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
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*aggressively waits in line*
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
