When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
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Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
it’s not been my year
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I am a gravy boat captain
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
*serious situation*
My brain:
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….