Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

fixed it

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid