Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI