when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
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I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
But I really needed water water water
😭😭😭
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.