Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Fugeddaboutit

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo

Alfred: right away, Bruce-o

*weighs self after shaving

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

ㅤ

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting