Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.