Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

hardest line in real life

There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.

The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.

USA: …

World: right?

USA: …

World: RIGHT?

USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?