When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
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Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus