When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
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Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Owl Sanctuary
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
