When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
You Might Also Like
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
“and how does that make you feel?”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.