When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
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I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
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the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
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My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
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I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
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