When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
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HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.