When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
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this is literally a CIA plant
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater