When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
You Might Also Like
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.