When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
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ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Inside you there are two wolves
Why is this me 😫
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I love this❤️😁👍
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
