When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
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Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
How to wake up a Beagle
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year