When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
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me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
*looks at you in batman voice*
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
These are my emotional support Pringles.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.