When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
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[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
thoughts?
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?