When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
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“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
“no gods no masters” = leo
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”