Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So that’s what we looked like?

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

had to share :’)

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear

[later]

tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .