When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
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I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.