When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
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When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Doug is just Canadian for dog
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.