When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
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My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
*pronounces fake like saké*
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.