When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
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Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.