When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
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Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus