When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
was Jim off killing horses or…
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
