When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
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A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me