When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
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[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.